G A B R I E L A
N
E T W O R K U
S AA Philippine-US Women's Solidarity Mass Organization, est. 1989
KAWOMENAN WINTER 1997
Growing
up Female & Filipina in America
by Eliza Fabillar
My family immigrated to the U.S. in 1972. I, at the age of 6, had mixed and ambivalent feelings upon arrival: an immense sense of loss and a feeling of excitement and jubilation. Here we were in utopian America, unsure of what course this land of opportunity would take us. Our expectations were limitless, but what we discovered was that America was quite complex, a site of social and cultural difference and struggle.
At first my parents, two brothers, sister and I lived in a cramped but comfortable basement in my auntÿs home. We eventually moved into a predominantly white neighborhood. My memory of first encounters with local kids is vague, but I do remember their response when I said that I was from the Philippines -- ¬what is that?ÿ and ¬where is the Philippines?ÿ At such a young age, I had difficulty explaining my origins. I think their lack of knowledge about the Philippines made it seem so insignificant in America and it made me a bit shameful about where I came from.
So began the process in which I was Americanized. Adjusting to a new country is very often difficult, but I overcame the challenges. I moved forward, made new friends, attended school, spoke mostly English and continued to lose more and more of my native language and culture -- I assimilated and achieved full incorporation into American society. (Exactly what melting pot theorists had envisioned). Life was grand -- or so I thought. One stormy evening in the dead of winter a large rock was thrown at our living room window, landing on the couch. Then a voice yelled out, ¬Go back to where you came from!ÿ Everyone awoke in a state of dismay. My family suspected a group of boys who lived on our block were responsible. I could not comprehend the prejudiced behavior exhibited by neighborhood folk, but with the proliferation of similar incidents I soon became aware that perhaps we still did not totally fit in.
My teenage years can be characterized by generational and cultural conflicts between my parents and me. Because I am female, my parents enforced stricter rules based on Philippine traditions and values. In the midst of these conflicts, I have challenged their authority yet maintained my respect for them. Many of the Philippine values they instilled in me and their emphasis on education have had positive consequences. As I matured I began to ponder their advice that I had always disregarded. They had emphasized the importance of maintaining our heritage. I began to feel that I lacked an identity. I felt that I could never be considered an American by many whites; I had often been called a ¬chinkÿ; I have a Spanish last name; scholars claimed that Filipinas lacked an ¬authenticÿ culture; and Filipinas seemed to be the forgotten Asian Americans. In my struggle to construct self-identity, I realized that my identity is inextricably linked to the worldwide historical context of differential power and inequity.
The obscurity and distortions of the Philippine War, colonialism, and imperialism in history books have perpetuated dominant structures of culture. My identity is also shaped by the dialogues of racial domination in the U.S., and the ubiquitous hegemonic framework that American society places over people of color. Many white Americans often make subtle remarks that reflect the ignorance about the Philippines and Filipinas. I have received sexual comments from men that illustrate the prolonged exoticization of ¬Orientalÿ women in the West. And just recently, a woman on the subway uttered, ¬Move out of my way you foreigner. Youÿre lucky to be in this country.ÿ The dominant culture continues to assert that those who are different are not acceptable or are unAmerican.
I have come full circle to the idealization of the hope for fulfillment and I will continue to move forward. I am aware of the dominant ideologies in America that perpetuate the domination over minorities and I will challenge those forces. I will actively interrogate and protest Americaÿs imperialist and exploitative practices. At the same time, I appreciate the immense freedom and opportunities America has to offer. With gained cognizance, erudition and confidence, I will continue my efforts, as a Filipina and a feminist, to make positive changes and contributions to this society.
KAWOMENAN WINTER 1997
Contents:
NO to APEC! The People's Conference Against Imperialist Globalization: Continuing the Resistance
Regulating the Mail-Order Bride Industry
Growing Up Female and Filipina in America
STOP 100 Years of Servitude! A GABNet Conference
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